How do you get high?

Mmmmmmm....
Blood... leaves behind a warm, bitter taste which unusually leaves behind a feeling of satisfaction, of release.
Is it weird that i enjoy the taste of my own blood?
or is it just plain fcuked up?
well im sure that more than a few hundred people agree with me.
Its not really the taste thats enjoyable, its more the meaning behind it, the feeling of release from a cocoon so.... restricting, don't you agree?.
when i bleed, my body leaves behind an eery yet empty feeling around the wound. its as if i dont feel the pain, but linger the sweet release it brings me.
when i bleed, its when i feel most at home. More calm than i've ever been... i wonder if this is why emos do it, to experience that high, to feel all that pain and hurt leaving your body. nevertheless i am not one of those fcuked in the head stereotypes. I am just well... me. nothing more, nothing less.
Pain?
well everybody hurts from time to time, isnt that right?
some people find ways to relieve their pain, emotions or internal hurt like talking to friends, experimenting with drugs  crying or just cuddling with loved ones or some people just scream like a little bitch and wine about it, punching everything in their way.... so pathetic.
when i urge for a release from this world, there's nothing that brings more satisfaction than self wounding with a knife. It's like my personal high :)

Hmmmmm well a little background

Well honest reason why im here? haha its cause im stingy. cant afford to buy a new diary and need a source of release. so i was thinking, why not blog? its online, free and haha it shouldnt run out of pages :P.

yea yea ur probably thinking why the fcuk a guy needs a diary?
especially me of all people -______- haha, well i guess i love to write. without it well
i guess id be a uptight super stressed person. I write because rather than wasting other peoples times with my problems or thoughts i like to think and when i think i guess i tend to come up with my own answers better than anyone else possibly could for my situation.
no....
i dont write to make those sappy corny as hell love stories.....
i dont write to complain about how ugly i am or blah blah how emo or i want to cut myself or that gay shiz haha
and i am not cheesy -_-... some guys think girls like it and some girls actually think its cute when guys go ""hehehe yesh ! me likey ur picsies !! sooo cutesy! :P:P:P  ""

dude wtf....
if i had a friend who talks to girls like that, i would be freaked the fcuk out by them lmao. im too masculine for my own good xD.


i just write to express thoughts to keep my mind empty :D.
cause when my minds empty i guess theres nothing to worry about. i like it that way, it helps me focus on life and keep a positive outlook on things no matter how bad the situation is.
well there are times when it cant be helped like when my mum passed away. no matter how much u try to stay positive minded it just hits home harder than anything else. when your lying there on your bed, staring at the ceiling.... its just something you can never be prepared for. I sill cant believe my mums gone, but its probably because ive taken the stress load from the family and wear it on my own shoulders. I take care of them, cook for them, clean and do finances.
Things like these well they keep my mind occupied and away from reality.
thats why i love to dream as well. sometimes reality might be a bit hard to face, yea i know it sounds so pussy and all but well its true. lifes tough. when your presented with a challenge and you look at it head on and think "i cant do this" how many times have you felt like that? everyone has , im pretty sure. u can always choose to run away from it or... you can just... face it later :D.
things always seem easier from a distance. and over time we as humans tend to develop. people change, no matter how u may not want to or w/e people change according to circumstance and according to life experiences but in the end we become stronger and those same challenges they appear alot easier when u come back to face them later.

i can tell you from fact that ive changed significantly over my life and have grown stronger (physically and mentally xD)

back in year 11 i always was picked on, as the scrawny indian kid haha. heres a pic

( Dude i do not know how the fcuk Annaliesa Tran thinks i look hot here O.o)

besides the scrawny part i guess i was easy to break down mentally and had troubles when it came to relationships, i guess i was the waaaay too clingy and scared to lose that person i was with because i always thought i could get no one else. i kinda threw all my emotions stupidly into a relationship and hurt myself in the end since i was a big baby. but then again, when i thought getting bigger would help, i was still mistaken.

heres me in year 12

 

well i guess i did pack on like around 15 kg to my frame but well it was all an insecurity factor haha. yea i was a big softy inside sadly and didnt realise it at all, till i hit my next relationship which lasted haha a pathetic 3 weeks. I was known to her as the most pathetic emotional guy ever haha, on top of that she even said she had more balls than me T.T ( dude if she literally meant that then :O)..... but hey that 3 weeks was scored with a super super hot girl so...... i don't mind :P. But yea it taught me one thing for sure. when you go to others to lean on, and i guess using other people as a source of release in the end when they look at you, actually try and imagine it from their perspective. what would u think if u would see urself whining or crying to someone else about ur problems. and man did i feel pathetic after that.  end of the year i hit 95 kg, with a big gut i have to say then went for surgery after a wrestling related injury, got to 105 kg and man i was super super fat.  thats the biggest ive ever been in my life lol. 

Ahh, how relationships do help build character :P.  2010, never had a girlfriend but man the whole girl chase still happened and i swear i ended up liking the most "unique" and i mean that word, there's no one else in the world more confusing, more crazy and weird than her..... go ahead and ask my buds and they will tell u that u can go in search around the world for a girl just like her but ...... dude theres no one close to having a personality like hers. its just ..... yea haha... addicting? lmao.   and i learnt something here too. To keep my big mouth shut T.T..... since i finally got to make friends in yr 13 at roskill i kinda ended up trusting people sparingly and told them who i liked (shall not name here!) and man...... shit went around the school till random people came up and asked me if i liked her... people i did not freaking know @.@..... thats when i began to realize who my true friends were and what people i could trust. the people who stood behind me when i went on that crazy girl chase. in the end i guess i will be facing regret in this situation since i didnt get to fess upto her,  but im glad to say, i have escaped fully out of my emo phase and  became self reliant. the way it should be.Im like a solid foundation ( physically and emotionally haha) but yea ive learnt everything in life does teach u a lesson no matter how harsh it is. some may ofcourse feel better than others but every lesson has its own inflicting purpose, and they definately shape u into a better person. i guess im happy with the person i am today :)